Category: choices

It’s the Fourth Quarter: Not Half-Time (part one)

While this blog began for those in Bible College wrestling with things Bible College will not discuss, it has evolved as the original cast of readers are now pastors or church leaders themselves and dealing with older people in their congregations.  I am an older person, so even if you are not, pay attention because this is a real struggle for aging believers.

Yogi Berra, the baseball legend, was famous for the phrase, “It ain’t over till it’s over”.

Yogi was right.  I am staring down 70 and my body has probably already crested that exalted number as the years have not been kind.  Once you hit 60, you can deny it, but you are in the fourth quarter of life.  There’s no tie. Mortal life just ends.

You cannot do the fourth quarter of life like you are about to sit down and enjoy half-time. There is no time to slack off or sit back or redefine the story of your life.  The life you lived is the life you lived. We are adults. We need to act like it.

So, I address the Jesus believing community here:

Absolutely no one got this far in life without major, serious, traumatic, incidents. If you have, please DM me so I can get your autograph. Illness, death, divorce, accidents, kids or grandkids in trouble, kids or grandkids with disabilities, financial losses, and on goes the list. You have faced huge challenges. The desire to record your hurts or curl up in a ball to prevent more is understandable. The desire to spend your time in recreation and relaxation after a lifetime of office stress is understandable. It is simply not a biblical option. Do you really want to meet Jesus and say, “I spent the last part of my life hitting a small ball into a hole because it made me feel safe. I mean really, it was the younger generation’s responsibility to follow You.”  (No offense to golfers, the same can be said of quilting, video binging, or a host of other things. As relaxation, they are fine, as our main focus, they are deadly.)

However, you are living in the end days. Your end days and the end days of all your peers. If you are over 60, they will begin dropping like flies and it only increases every year. People have one lifetime to hear. Your job is to be sure they do know this great truth: “There is no other Name given under heaven by which we can be saved” (Acts 4:12). A lot of our age-mates are disappointed with what life has offered. Life is not kind. Jesus is. Give them Hope, that will prove true, while we still have time.

Correct, Don’t “Over-Correct”

I could make a list of many of the wise sayings friends have shared over the years, but this one stuck with me as it captures that which I have oft observed but never been able to express so well as my friend, Dana. We were talking about life and how it seems that many people who began extremely conservatively in their Christian walk, became wildly liberal in their later years and we’d observed those who were incredibly liberal become exceptionally conservative to the point of legalism. I often said people dislike balance because it is so hard to maintain. Extremes are easily defined. Staying even keel that is the real trick.

To this Dana replied, “People don’t correct. They tend to over-correct.”

That’s it precisely. I recall a couple with whom I attended university who married a year or two after we did. The wife’s vows were so “submissive” I thought it staggering that the minister approved them, if indeed he saw them beforehand. She was marrying a flawed human being, not the Lord, yet she vowed total submission to this man’s will, to have him be her priest and the priest of her family, and the entire vow sounded like this man was to her as Jesus is to us all. I won’t even broach the topic of the priesthood of all believers.

Five decades later, of course, life changed. They remain a lovely couple who apparently became progressively liberal over the years and one time suggested I might want to “get out and get to know someone in the LGBTQ+ community.” I think the reasoning was if I believe in the Bible, which I do, and being a missionary, which I am, I am in some bubble removed from the real world, which is about as ridiculous a notion one can have if they do the kind of work I do. We spend our entire lives with people and cultures unlike ourselves. I was unsure whether to be mildly insulted by the assumption or amused, so when in doubt, assume the best and I opted to find it funny. Keeping things in perspective, they lived in the same place their whole lives, which makes it very easy to form opinions about places one only seems on TV. I assured them we do not live in alone in a cave and we know people from every possible walk of life. I find no conflict between loving and enjoying people who do not believe as I do, and yet maintaining my beliefs without compromise. I dare say I believe the same things now, that I have for decades but on a much deeper level. I have shed some of my former certainties, but none regarding doctrine.

Another couple, once very demonstrative charismatics, decided that it was best to toss that out the window and moved to a colony to adopt a lifestyle that is reminiscent of two centuries ago. It was a challenge as the husband had difficulty growing a beard, but the wife donned attire befitting their new faith community and I am sure they have exceptionally low power bills.

Why do we make such radical swings in our theology and behavior?

Disappointment is one the key reasons people make wild over-corrections. They prayed for a miracle that did not occur, so they conclude the days of miracles are past. Perhaps they prayed for many miracles and did not receive that for which they prayed. Miracles are miracles because they are the exception to the ordinary, not the ordinary, and if read scripture with perspective, we realize that the apostles experienced times of unprecedented miracles, along with times of non-miracles that resulted in almost all of them suffering martyrdom. Thankfully, they did not cease to pray for the supernatural.

Delusion is yet another reason people walk out the door of churches, leave ministries, and abandon all to which we are called to hold dear. As surely as the sun rises, if you live more than a decade, you are bound to run into some quacks. I realize that might not be the theologically correct term but suffice to say there are people are “over the top” in some area or another, there are people who are mentally unstable, and there are even tares among the wheat. If you only bump into two or three of these kind of folks in your lifetime, consider yourself blessed. There’s a lot of unwell people outside the church, but there we have more normal expectations of humanity. That we meet the unwell in church, should not be a shock. Yes, there’s a time to shake the dust off your feet and move to a healthier place, but just as you have that odd uncle or slightly batty cousin, we don’t throw the baby out with the bath water because people are not well. I have heard people tell me they left church because “everyone is a hypocrite.” That makes no sense because all of humanity is hypocritical, at least according to the Book of Romans, so don’t let is be an excuse. If you’re reading this you might be a hypocrite I like very much and perhaps I’m a hypocrite that you enjoy. To be human is to be a hypocrite to some degree.

Family is another area that tosses people for a loop in later life. Disagreeing with your parents is totally acceptable. When your children take an extra-biblical position, it is staggering how many people, under the guise of being good listeners and not wanting to be at odds with their adult children, suddenly start making peace with things they would once have recognized as unscriptural. We do not need to agree with everyone we love, nor they with us. We do need to stay faithful to the Bible, because the Bible is not wrong, and the teachings of Jesus are not like a buffet where we pick and choose.We do not draw our children to faith by bending it to accommodate our loved ones. One can love well without violating truth.

So how do we avoid over-correction?

The answer is simple, but the application much less easy to work out. We are saved by grace, not by works, yet grace is evidenced by our works. We now live by the law of love. That “love” is not human love, but a godly love that recognizes that what is evil, is truly evil, and what is harmful is truly harmful. We recognize that we are all hurtful and do evil, and yet are so greatly loved, that God Himself is the only one who can rightly judge us. He alone is so good He can the pay the terrible penalty that is deserved. Jesus called out sin, named it in places that never crossed our minds, and then paid the most horrific penalty to show us just how bad sin really is. He then rose from the dead, to not only show us that death is not permanent but to remind us Who He Is in the first place, less we fall into any nonsense thinking He was mere prophet or man.

We cannot be people of grace, unless we also are people of truth and holiness, just as God has shown Himself to be when He chose to manifest Himself in the Person of Jesus. We cannot get through life by having a long list of what is and is not acceptable. We can navigate the rushing waters by imitating Jesus. It’s far simpler to remember our goal is to follow the “Word Made Flesh.”

Notice, however, I said it is simpler, not easier. It is, however, the only safe way to stay true to Truth, Love and Hope, as embodied in the Lord. Our lives might be messy and difficult, but they need not be overly complex. Stay the course and keep your eyes fixed.

Things that Really Matter

In Trapani, I was on a short holiday time with two coworkers. For one, it was her first vacation ever. Being older, I lack the energy of the younger folks, and went back to our BnB while those under 35 walked at a normal pace without having to wait for me. I saw a distraught elderly woman with dementia.
“I am lost. I don’t know where I am and no one cares for me” she told me.
She was clearly well cared for and I was guessing quite near her home but I asked if I could pray for her and she did and we waited together. She did not recognize her family but they knew and loved her.

Two weeks ago, my closest friend in this city died from an inherited birth defect. She was energetic and funny and I am devastated. Shortly after she was buried, another elderly woman was distraught in our lobby and desperate to find my neighbor who passed. I tried to reassure her but today saw her from my window and we managed to meet. She was a bit confused and while I went to her home, she came to mine and met my cousin Enzo. He is 23. He was kind, patient, spoke Italian to her as best he could and she came back to her home where I was waiting and said how lovely he was. “He is your blood, you can tell” she assured me.

We talked for more than an hour. Their hearts torn from more grief upon grief as old age remind us that time is short and most of what is left shall be terribly lonely. But a 23 year old brightened her day with kindness. A plant from my neighbor, who apparently was her cousin, brought her to tears, and we spoke of our hope of heaven.

There are so many simple things we can do in a day to change how someone feels. We can let them know they are seen. They are know. They are loved.

Let’s keep our eyes open.

People Age, So Will You

I often sit with my very dear neighbor, who could be my mother, in that she is 18 years older than I am. I have learned much about this city from her. Much of the history of this island. She corrects my Italian as I periodically mix in some other language or dialect and we enjoy a daily “miranda” which is the afternoon snack around 4:30 PM. I check in with her every day before I leave the house, and every night before I go to bed.

She loves the Lord. She has great faith and at times, I feel she is giving me a preview of my future. She inadvertently turns off her cell data while swiping her phone and is frustrated she cannot send messages so I turn it back on for her. She is stressed that she cannot do what she once did.  Her air-conditioner controls are confusing and one is in English, so she spent weeks sweltering as her controls were set to cool the room to the upper 80s and hence did little to assist those of us on the top floor of a stone building when triple digit temps were the norm outside.  As we age, we need more time to recover, the importance of staying comfortably cool is greater, and the inability to control that for oneself is even more frustrating.

She reminisces about her family and her life reflectively, at times with sorrow, as her life has not been easy. People are unable to see past the wealth her husband acquired years ago, now long on spent medical tragedies that have devastated their family. She is fully dependent on her stipend to meet her needs but people speak as though she had not a care in the world. She is frustrated by the limitations of age and like us all, is surprised as each year imposes some new limit for which we were unprepared.  When she does not sleep she is easily confused and yet mentally she is sharp. Her body is changing as happens to us all, but she senses the sudden change it alarms her. She is a brilliant and gifted woman who wishes to acquire nothing because she realizes life does not go on forever.

She is a vital part of my life, and one of the reasons Jesus has us here. That is a good thing. If you are near a person advanced in years, see yourself as the hands of Jesus to your neighbor.

So to you young pastors out there, take the time needed to sit and listen. The most vital thing you can do at any moment is listen. The media presentation is not as urgent as the profound loss of being needed as we age.

To those of us who are older, we have a purpose, but we must accept the fact our limitations grow with each passing year. That makes us normal, not useless. It is incredibly frustrating, but it is the one result of the fall none of us can escape. We will eventually die and a generation following us will carry on, most of them full speed ahead, until we are suddenly no more, and they realize this too shall happen to them.

No ages are given for those in the Bible for whom the Lord took the time to stop and listen and heal. But I am sure if an old man or woman cried out, they would merit no less of His time or attention than someone younger.

Don’t Let Social Media Eat Your Fruit

One of the nice things about being older is you can say the truth and don’t really care if it upsets anyone. So I am going to say a vital truth because you really got to get this one folks. Really. It’s really important.

In ancient times, meaning before digital cameras and phones, people in our line of work frantically took photos to create a “slide show” just before they went home on furlough. This was a step of faith as the photos were not automatically in focus. But people were remarkably forgiving. The reality is, normal people do not spend their entire day creating events of which to take photos unless they are “influencers” which I believe is job that might be summarized as “I can tell a good story and do no work, but I make great pics that get likes”.

I have read posts that are very moving, and only in the last couple of years have learned how deceiving posts can be. There is a pressure to post to sound impactful. The truth is stretched, details that are untrue are added and honestly, I have read some and thought, “Wow, quite the tale, about half of it is true”. Posting pressure is so great, posts can be very misleading.  People run into something, take photos, write a story based on their incorrect understanding and get a lot of likes.  They are not trying to deceive, but they posted something, much of which was untrue, to meet a need to seem to be making an impact.  For whose sake are we posting? For prayer?  For support?  For the glory of Jesus?  Those are important questions to consider every time we hit the button.

Not every day is amazing, nor remotely fit for social media. The hours you spend sweeping up after the youth group do not make for great IG moments. The kid who calls you at 2AM is when you are dazed and half asleep and his girlfriend broke up with him, is your real job.  You just can’t post that but it mattered a lot more than the paint ball party that made it to your feed. 

Do what matters, not what the world wants to see. Jesus so often pulled people OUT OF SIGHT to heal them. He told them, “DON’T TELL ANYONE” after doing the miraculous. I guess He did not understand marketing. Maybe we are wisest to follow His example.

My concern for the current generation is that the pressure to look good outweighs the need to do well. Do things that matter, without a preoccupation that to sound like you are daily changing the world. None of us is changing the world. Jesus is. Your best moments are servant-like. They are not glamorous. Take out the trash even though you can’t do a post about molded plastic bags. Do it out anyway. Serve. We are called to imitate the Humble One, not to make amazing impressions. Those in the most difficult situations in the world, cannot share a thing about their lives, but the Almighty sees.  Keep in mind, the importance audience is the Audience of One. 

The character of Christ is summed up in the fruit of the Spirit. None of those traits can be captured on social media. Don’t let the pressures of the day, eat your fruit. Concentrate on fruit that “shall remain” and He, who sees that which cannot be posted, nor shared in public, will reward you with a crown that gets the only “Like” that matters.


You Can Never Go Home and That’s OK  

My last blog was based on the last district council I attended prior to leaving the US.  I was sitting next to Dee, who is now with the Lord, but we were about the same age and at a table full of overseas workers.  A couple, who seemed elderly to me at the time, though likely would look much younger to me now, were seated nearby and were to be honored that night for their many years of service.

Being 30 and naïve, I asked how they felt about “returning home”.

“You can never go home again”, replied the husband with what looked to be basset hound eyes, but totally sincere.

I turned to Dee and said, “Chipper little couple aren’t they” and her eyes widened, and we smiled and carried on.

Thirty-six years later I can say with absolute certainty that you can never go home again.  Here’s the thing:

The culture of your homeland is absolutely nothing like you imagine it to be.  Furloughs consist of running frantically around from family to family and church to church and you really have no idea how much things have changed.  You notice things but are not there long enough to really understand that the national mindset is different than you think. I do not ‘intuit’ the mindset of my home country, nor even, often, of my friends.

People at this age in life have a lot of family going on. Their kids grew up and got married and had other kids and we haven’t the energy we once had.  One friend said to me, “I pictured retirement as a chance to unwind. Incredibly, I am a full-time babysitter”.  Other friends, who are in time warps because of disabled children, or raising their grandchildren, are oddly more like me, because their life progression has kept them from moving along at the same pace as the rest of the world.

But even with our friends, and even with our families, we missed the years of shared memories that come with being able to see one another. We no longer have a relationship with the members of the church which sent us out.  The demographic of the church has changed. No one knows who you are, and you don’t know them.  The church family that once was the backbone of your support, has moved on either to Glory, Florida, or another church closer to their kids or assisted living facility.

We have developed odd habits, whether we realize it or not.  In a European context, I am a notorious under-reactor. I tell that to anyone coming to work with me. “If it stresses you out, you need to tell me flat out because I am not going to intuitively know”. If something is not on fire, being fired up, in flames, or bleeding, I tend to triage it a bit lower than most. My take on most things is if people get enough sleep and some good ice cream and the moon quarters, everything will be OK.  I don’t panic easily, which is not a trait in my homeland anymore.

I learned that I am terrible, truly terrible, at “code switching” which is a complicated way to say, “Please do not use more than one language with me in the same sentence” because I genuinely cannot understand you. This is apparently very common, and I had observed it in friends before I realized how often I must have seemed rude by saying, “What?” to someone who tried to insert English in a friendly way in a sentence.  When I return to my home country, if you want to speak another language to me, please tell me so I change gears.

We have never owned a home. I have zero skills in buying one. I do not understand Medigap insurance.  I find US politics confusing and dislike it intensely. I have also learned that disliking politics is considered a hate crime as one is obliged to agree with whoever one is talking to at any given time.  People are fragile. If they like broccoli and you do not they might need space because you are threatening to them because you have different vegetable preferences. 

Our children do not live in the same country as that to which we shall return.  We need to be independent as long as we can be lest we burden anyone.  We need to be useful as long as we can, because so long as we have breath in our body, God has a purpose for us on this earth.

And all of this is good. 

I realize it didn’t sound so good the way I said it, because I hate being lonely.  But years ago we set our face to a better city and a better country, “One whose Builder and Maker is God”.  That is when we will be home again. From now, till then, we are pilgrims and strangers and sojourners, which is exactly what we were called to be.

Ministry is a Real Job

Thirty-six years ago, I was attending what was then called, “District Council”, the annual meeting of ministers in our region of the country.  I remember the message well, because the speaker had the good sense to speak the truth in humor, which in our neck of the woods is the same thing as love. Laying a foundation of scripture, he pointed out that many a ministry struggles because the ground where the worker labors is hard ground. Many other ministries, however, struggle because the stewards of the ministry simply don’t show up and put in the work necessary to see fruit.  He told the story of a pastor who complained of the challenges where he worked, and with whom he spent a week to observe how things functioned in the church on a daily basis. What struck him most was that the pastor arrived at 9:30 in the morning, had his devotions, and by the time 11 AM rolled around felt it was too close to lunch time to begin anything new, so he would go home for two to three hours for family time. He would then return in the afternoon around 2 PM and finish up around 4 PM when the church secretary left the office.  For clearly predictable reasons, he was often stressed out on Saturdays trying to prepare his message for Sunday morning and again for the evening service. He was working about ten to fifteen hours a week, plus speaking on Wednesday night and twice on Sunday. 

I recall a church planter who said the best thing that ever happened to him was getting off a church staff and having to plant.  To launch the church he needed a part time secular job and he had his first glimpse into the lives of his congregation.  The people who attend your church are out the door at 7 AM to get to work by 8 AM and rare is the soul who works only 8 hours in a day.  In our years leading up to full time ministry we worked about 50 hours a week at our regular jobs, drove straight to church, and were there for volunteer staff meetings, youth events, and the twice Sunday service.  That meant we spent another 12 to 15 hours a week at church after our secular jobs, and the commute to church was about thirty minutes each way.

The pastor under whom we worked, had four kids and a house close to the church, and recognizing that his volunteer staff was fairly hungry by 8:30 PM would often have us all over and his wife would cook something up, so we were happy as we headed back home to rise at 5:30 the next morning.  (I was normally at work by 7AM and left about 6PM).  The staff were all full time professionals but one mom, who was a full time mom, which as we all know, is a 24/7 occupation.

As I look at the young people making an impact, they understand the importance of “showing up”.  If they are tired, or the baby cried all night or whatever else it might be, they take their ministerial work for what it is: a matter of life and death for the lost.  They understand that if the people supporting the work of the ministry, do not have checks magically appear on their desks but must spend time in prayer and intercession before they attend their day job, and often are showing up at service after a long and stressful day at work. That is entirely healthy. It is a sign of good stewardship.

In these days of storytelling, influencing, and social media, there are invariably people who appear to be doing a great deal when in fact, they are just really super with media.  I have read posts and chuckled, because I either knew the real story, or recognized that a moving and emotional post that would cause people to believe they were following a planet shaker, was in fact, created by someone who spent about an hour on the job and an equal amount of time “content creating” to keep themselves employed.  The kingdom of God is not so built.

We rely on the strength and the power of the Holy Spirit.  We have a message so compelling that if we truly believe it, we will be unable to keep it to ourselves.  To share the gospel effectively, no matter what form of ministry in which one is involved, also requires an honest work ethic.  If you do not put as much time and effort into ministry as you would if you had a secular job, you need to remember to Whom you ultimately will give an account.  “It is required of a steward, that a man be found faithful” (I Cor. 4:2).  Be faithful.  Work at ministry with the at the very least, the level of commitment you would be required to give to a secular employer.  Daily faithfulness, will bring rewards.

What To Do When Your Leaders Are Wrong: Part One

Several years ago, I read the book Toxic Faith. It sounded like the organizational handbook of the para-church ministry from which I had just resigned. While I wish my situation were unique, it was not and books are written because bad leadership does exist. Having said that, truly ‘toxic’ situations are not the norm, so this first blog is meant to address the more normal situational conflicts that arise when ‘your leaders are wrong’.

It’s important to define terms. Someone is “wrong” when their actions are contrary to that which is moral, ethical, and biblical.  There’s a myriad of things your leaders can do that are not, in your opinion, good judgement, but they are not “wrong”. It not morally wrong to be outdated, disorganized, inexperienced, non-intuitive or culturally naïve. Being any of those things will hinder the effectiveness of a ministry but it’s not morally wrong to be ineffective. This is not to raise inefficiency to a virtue but suffice to say it is not a moral vice.

Most of the time, if you have a conflict with a leader there is a difference of opinion, personality or generation, that is of no moral consequence.  I know that I make decisions that appear as though I am shooting from my aging hips when in fact I am making a decision based on more factors than I can reasonably articulate. Leaders should expect to answer reasonable questions, asked at a reasonable place and time. If you see your leader make a significant choice with which you don’t agree, make note of it and ask him or her about it, privately, at an appropriate time. Pick your topics wisely. If you don’t like the color scheme of the church nursery, get over it. If you lead youth group and don’t understand why certain activities are not permitted, ask those in authority in a private context. Questions asked publicly are often perceived (and subliminally intended) as a challenge to leadership. If you are asking in an appropriate way but get a response that is demeaning, and such responses are the norm, you have a real problem. (Be sure to read the next blog.)

But what do we do when leaders we love make poor choices?  How do you respond when your pastor is discouraged that people don’t participate in worship but you realize that having a music team that consists of a tambourine and zither player has made congregational participation difficult?

Step One: Talk to your leader.  In a healthy situation, you can probably talk most things out with your leader.  Maybe your pastor does not realize there are affordable alternatives to a live worship band. Maybe he secretly has nightmares about the zither, too. Most leaders are approachable if you are respectful. Be nice. Buy his/her coffee. Listen to your leader as much as you want him or her to listen to you. Maybe your pastor will be thrilled if you take ownership of the solution.  Give it a shot.

Step Two: Ask yourself why you are serving where you are. If you know the Lord called you to a certain ministry, stay where you are and wait until the Lord tells you to go. If your leaders are making poor choices that are not “wrong” perhaps your faithful service will win the right to be heard so there will be a change. Renting an inflatable castle for VBS is not an issue of right or wrong. The decision may not go your way, but if you are not the final authority for the church, remember that Christians in the world suffer fates worse than outdated VBS choices.

The bottom line is most issues are not issues of right or wrong.  Sadly, some issues are, when your leaders are truly wrong you will be on track for a very difficult road. That is why this is a two-part blog.

The Terrible Twenties

“IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.” (Charles Dickens, the opening line of his classic: Tale of Two Cities)

If I did not know the two cities of which Dickens wrote were London and Paris, and if I did not know he was speaking of that period of time surrounding the French Revolution, I might well have thought he was describing what it is like to be in your 20’s.  He was right in say, “The period was so far like the present period” because since the time when Dickens wrote to the present day, the struggles of life are very much the same. Dickens words describe the era of those who are twenty-something as well as any.

The twenties boil down to the issue of choice.  What you choose in your twenties will be the foundation for the rest of your life. You live with the consequences of those choices. You choose Light or darkness, hope or despair, belief or unbelief.

The choices are clearly defined. Choose wisely.